The Angst Rises

It’s been an eternity since my last blog post and without a fuss lets summarize the fact that I was too busy debating in Whatsapp groups over how CSK is only the team which plays the sport in a way it is meant to be played. Having conquered the milestone of Champions League T20 the cricket lover in me can rest for 8 months of some non-cricketing action .

Making a movie must be easy enough. I mean if guys like Rohit Shetty can do it  and likes of Shaan and Mika Singh can "ACT", it must not be difficult at all. The glitch lies in clarifying the idea using less resources. You can write a book to explain something that can thoroughly express your feelings in 140 characters or less. 

As announced in the previous blog  this is a sequel. So without lets dig the advertisements on Indian TV.

Print Media:

I don’t remember a day since last 65887963341 days that I didn’t wake up to a highly lavish and articulate front page ads. Back when 10"X12" rectangular ads  were considered as mark of stature ,advertising sector evolved. This evolution is good for a genuine enough products but most of the times it’s like a Kohinoor diamond which I don’t want to buy with money I don’t have for the people I don’t like. These days even a front page ad ain't enough. For TOI its not an ad if it does not cover FrontPage, Flip Page and the next page. Hence I find myself struck with Florid Homes , Guys in underwear , some ugly-ass politician on first page of daily.

Making you aware of the products you don't want elicits this exact reaction. 

As a great man once said "If you stack Times OF India for a week , it will have an uncanny resemblance of Book of Thermodynamics". Yes , its that bulky. No,  its not all news. Hell ,for the festive season ranging from Dusherra to Diwali and Christmas to New years , the daily should be name Advertisements Of India. My attention span is wasted by visual chaos of glitzy ads and glamorous pics  of cleavage. No they still haven't learnt a lesson over Objectification and still indulge in (t)it with quiet an audacity  off-course with a different subject. And what is  with half-cut front page?? It may well be a creative advertisement strategy but its an unscratchable  itch in butt of reader going through 6th page while holding the paper.

TVC

Vicco:

Vicco is Bheeshma Peetamah of Advertising Industry. May be they have entered a contract with cinema distributors that the advertisements are extinct on TV.Also monetary matters play a vital role in managerial decisions like these. But they have an eargasmic jingle in history of all jingles, along with Nirma and Lifebuoy.  A moment of applaud for the jingle below

"Vajradanti, Vajradanti, Vicco Vajradanti

Vicco Powder , Vicco Paste,

Ayurvedic jadibootiyo se bana sampoorn swadeshi,

Viccoooooooooo Vajradanti"

The only people who are not aware of this jingle are ones that are born deaf. The youth of this generation has grown up watching Tendulkar bat amidst the Vicco ads between the overs. And if that is an understatement , the correct statement is the jingle even calmed the cry babies . It was a mainstream product in late 90's even early 2000's. But they grew esoteric after 2006-07.  It deftly differentiated itself from the specialty crèmes relying totally on Aurvedic Benefits and stifled in the competition.  They went invariable to a change the way they go about marketing. The thing audience asks is a shift in focus from rural and semi-urban youth to all-urbane pop. Because fact is simple  the moment word "fairness cream" is uttered "Fair and Lovely" pops in mind, more so with "toothpaste" has become synonymous with "Coalgate". That’s the way they were marketed as opposed to your product which is not updated from 25years. Which is like 250 in a marketing world. For lets not play the blame game of an average Indian obsessed with opting for foreign brands over the desi ones.

Vicco's reaction after 25 years of unchanged advertisement.  

Harpic:

India has produced some great Mathematicians , Aryabhat , some great cricketers Manoj Prabhakars and Vyankatpati Rajus (pun intended). What India did not do is invade other nations. This is an historical fact for last 10,000 years . And a guy called Hussain seems to be taken aback by it. The motto of his life is to invade other people's toilets yellow toilets with his product and ask them to participate in the same product challenge. Such ads are so pervasive its like a patient heading towards doctor knowing which drugs they want. What's worse is they have reserved the slot of being telecasted during the meals. No one is against Hygine mind you but why prove the effectiveness of your product by showing people Yellowest Toilets and filthy germs in it, WHILE THEY ARE EATING ?? YUCKMAX !!

Toothpaste:

I don’t mean to sound condescending to Dentists, but why are they marketed like nobody's at the mall??Reminds me of days one used to black tickets. Its just "Kya Aapke Daton mein zanzanahat hoti hai ??" is the new "10 ka 20". And colossally idiotic Sonakshi Ad is nothing but testament of stupefaction itself. Sonakshi posing as a journalist confirms the very fact what journalism has come to these days. Its not even a hyperbole that TOI has more advertisements than News as discussed earlier , no wonder journalist keep asking people about salt content in their tooth paste that real news can fuck itself in its arse.

Having white teeth is not enough.
 Toothpaste advertisers will be happy if everyone has a Madhuri Dixit Grin.

There have been some great battles in history like Battle of Palassey , Battle of Waterloo but a common man is aware of battle against germ buildup. Strategy with which tooth paste is advertised is brilliant. These guys have a knack of bombarding terms like "Active Salt" , "Active Germ build up" , "The Power Of Salt and Lemon", "24" hour protection ". It’s a toothpaste for Christ's sakes not a security guard of an ownership that is your mouth. If you are Happy with your white teeth,you are doing your life your life wrong. You need extra white teeth.Its high time that the curmudgeon in Dabur Lal Dantamanjan ads bitchslaps the advertisers coming up with such obviously non-existent terms. And if that is not enough say hello to leading innovation "Mouth Wash" wherein you gargle the fuck outta germs in your mouth so much so that it’s a zanzanhat of pleasure. Gimme a break !!

Pesticides Cola Companies:

 The entire of Product Marketing Strategies are encircled around Customer's Wants, not Needs mind you. Marketing people take a liberty and go a mile in convincing consumers that they Need their product. With a fair amount of convincing the consumer begins to think "Yeah this is basic commodity for my survival on this planet." and ends up buying the product. The ad as glitzy as it gets makes consumer lose his perspective.  Products like  Coca-Cola have not been innovated as a product since last gazillion years. The change in shape of bottle and the way it is packaged is only subjective metamorphosis it has went through. So my question to you is simple " Do we need Coke in hunter gatherer sense of way ?". I wish they make an episode of Sataymev Jayate on it and ruin the Sunday morning of viewers in more languages than 1.

Increase the price of 600 ml coke from Rs.20 to Rs.35 in a month no one bats an eye.
Reduce the price of 32gb pendrive by Rs10 and everyone goes crazy.

Thumbs Up :The add reassures my faith that men were first apes. Just so , they had to hunt for their food, but the way Salman does it is unconvincing as fuck. I mean had this been 1998 wherein his screen image looked athletic that would be a big thumbs up. But now even my granny is bored of seeing you on TV screen. Dude what on God's green earth is your problem that you have do silly looking stunts for Rs.10 thumbs up?? Its ubiquitous as a product. Hell .. There are places where you don’t get water but cola is readily available and the stunts you do are far more unconvincing. Yes Taste the thunder is a good line but isn't that same line and same tone since dinosaurs went extinct?? And leave aside platitude of funda preaching that "Dhakkan Nikalne Ki Der Hai " . I thought it was plagiarized from Mountain Dew. The ad is a pantomime of lunacy and advertisers better be coming up something new for already established product of theirs.

Off course this is not open letter. But history has proved it over and over again that your acting talents are rare as moisture in Sahara desert but be that as it may , gracious Indians that we are , we would even make a youtube video of you eating a biryani a 200crore hit .Having said that your films , 150 min long , fail to cater the quench of sane audiences leave alone the advertising sector that "DEMANDS" you to be sharp in 30 sec or less.  Its not smart for a man short a couple of years  of turning 50, still single, popping pills (revital) to stay energized to preach philosophy and sell soda. Enough Said !!

Salman Khan pops uninvited on screen with special effects more than Matrix movie.

Pepsi:

Pepsi and thumbs-up are like the classic  arch rivals. The nemesis of objectification lies in a way they've handled to get that no.2 spot for cola companies. As Walter White (#BreakingBad)  would say, first slot is reserved for classic coke. Some of the international ads are stupendous owing to basic fact that focus is on the product   as opposed to the stardom of dude advertising it. Thanks to Pepsi for  they are the pioneers of improvisation in advertising industry. Be it  "To be continued…" ads seasonally , or " Bees Saal Baad " ads during WC 2003 or "Change The Game" ads during WC2011 they made their motto crystal clear "Love Me or Hate Me , You May not ignore me."  While digging the gold 8 times outta 10 , it also dug some bullshit. One such eyesore is Virat Kohli ad that is featuring currently.  Where do I begin with this dude ?? It is almost 3 months after the infamous martyrdom of Indian Test Batting in English conditions. One of the most unsuccessful  struggling batsmen since then is *drum rolls* Virat Kohli. The hunky sportsman is yet to figure out a way to get out other than nudging the ball to first slip . The frustration reaches the zenith when the ad shows up of him when he has gotten out. Hardy Har Har !!

So kohli blue-balled KALLIS to sell cola. Duh !! 

I have nothing against him doing anything with anything. This TVC is a blunder. Lets skip the part where he is praised for having a philosophical touché of Philosophy Honors Grad.  He is shown giving blue balls to God of South-African cricketer Jacques Kallis. Jacques is an university of cricketing spirit. When it comes to cricket He is Amitabh Bachchan to Rajpal Yadav that is Virat Kohli. That’s not even a metaphor for respective heights of Mr.Bachchan and Yadav.Fitting as it may, the ad shows Kallis running his full length run-up. The run-up which is brutally halted by smirking Kohli, wherein he opens Pepsi like James Bond opening champagne and then asks Kallis to bowl to him. In defense of advertisers the focus  is bravura of batsmen after consuming sip of cola. Why does the guy bowling has to be Kallis ?? Why cant he be Dhawal Kulkarni or some MI bowler ??While Kallis is known as a batsman who has a technique for every condition , Kohli is yet to make a mark on pacy pitches. An average Indian who got pissed about Maria Sharapova not knowing Tendulkar is the same Indian who ran outta grey cells in his brain not knowing " THE TEMPLATE OF EXEMPLARY BRILLIANCE" i.e Jacques Kallis. Sad !! As a mechanical engineer   I know for a fact there is a thing called "allowance" in Casting and Forging  industries. The designers have to account for "shrinkage" , "Draft" etc so that the dimension and shape of casting is held intact. Similarly advertisers should provide  "Outta Form Allowance" for sportsman who is outta form. Irony reached its peak when ad of Yuvraj's Revital ad still featured while he was in chemotherapy. Same goes for Kohli's add preaching "Man"kind about fairness and other Cola Products.

 Nescafe :

I had reached end of days wherein I had a felling that it's only me who find Deepika and Poorab Kohli's earlier nescafe ads boring as fuck. Apart form catchy tone, which they are using ever since British invaded India as East India Company, Nescafe didn’t have anything to be particularly remembered about. Expecting anything form such a house was an overstatement of sort  in itself but still somewhat better than its contemporaries like Bru ( featuring Anushka , her upper lip and her lower lip)  and …..Wait that’s about it. But to my shock Nescafe comes up with a brilliant ad.  A Stammering Comedian was still an untouched territory and in times of where one  desperately searches remote control amidst a show , this very add makes the viewer stop and savor unique taste of its advertising brilliance. Off course the guy is awkward , off-course jokes are not that funny but the idea they marked is as freshening as their product . Also the video quality is sonorous enough with some well edited scenes. Watching this ad is a compliment in itself. To be frank , I first watched it as an add on a YouTube and even when I had option of skipping it after 5 secs I didn't ,its exact thing that makes advertiser proud and not every advertiser can powerfully boast.

Kudos to some great thinking !! You have engaged me in quiet a enthralling way.

They say you have upper hand in debate if you end it with a rhyme. Well here goes, one for the advertisers.

Please Don't come up with factitious terms ,
Its not cool to sell germs ,
Please Don't making a living outta "taunt",
Focus on the Need and not want.